Ante Up!

“As long as you have a chip left and a chair to sit in, you’re in the game” – Michael J Fox

The best advice I’ve ever received was about 12 years ago – If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. Basically, I was being called on my bluff.

That moment was a turning point, I knew going forward that it wasn’t enough for me to “believe” I was worthy of my ambitions, I needed to “know” it – deep in my soul.

A more recent “ah ha” came from listening to Jamie Kern Lima’s perspective on self-confidence vs. self-worth. She shares that “self-confidence is based on what’s going on for us on the outside” and “self-worth is the deep internal knowing that we’re worthy of love and belonging exactly as we are.”

Looking back, I’ve made a lot of brave choices in my life. When things didn’t feel right, something would nudge me to believe there were better options. I never really understood how I developed this “poker radar” or why I chose to act on it, time and time again. I just always knew when to fold and walk away.

Now I wonder, have I been betting on my self-worth without realizing it?

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy. There have been a ton of bad beats and downswings along the way. The kind that take you out at the knees. But I’ve managed to make tough decisions and cope with difficult situations by learning how to handle adversity and put negative experiences into perspective. I think this is a gift and I’m grateful.

Like poker, life is a game of chance and strategy. So, when we’re up against our toughest opponent—ourselves—how do we play?

Let No Experience Go Wasted – Every hand we’re dealt adds to the story of who we are. We need to recognize that the good, the bad, and the ugly moments all contribute to our personal growth, giving us an opportunity to discover the depths of our joy, strength, and resilience. What’s important is that we learn, evolve, and adapt – making us wiser and more confident next time.   

Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken – Like Brene Brown (2014), I believe that most of us will take messy and real over flawless and inauthentic every time. In a world teeming with expectations on how to look, act, and present ourselves, it’s exhausting trying to fit into molds that weren’t made for us. So, let’s get real. The best relationships and experiences start with shedding the poker face and showing up as who we really are.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Feed the Good Wolf – In the story of two wolves we learn that there are two kinds of wolves (or forces inside us), one is evil, the other is good, and the wolf that wins is the one you feed. The evil wolf is anger, envy, arrogance etc., and they are also our inner critic, the one that puts you down and calls out your failures. While it’s okay to acknowledge these negative emotions, we don’t need to give them our time or attention. We can choose to nourish the good wolf – kindness, humility, generosity, and compassion.

Know Your Strengths – Your strengths represent the unique ways you think, feel, and behave that not only drive peak performance, but also serve as a catalyst for building confidence. Character strengths are the ones that really matter, they’re based on values and the way you show up. A real master knows how to leverage their strengths and reinforce belief in their ability to make a positive impact on the game (Jones, 2023).

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth” – Unknown

Don’t Settle – Life’s too short to be stuck in unhealthy, unhappy, or unfulfilling situations. Our instincts act like a compass, guiding us towards authenticity and reminding us that we have value, just as we are. While we can’t rely solely on intuition, these cues can prompt us to push through the fear and doubt that hold us back from living our best life.

Over the years, I’ve had many people express how much they admire my self-confidence. Now I understand that nurturing my self-worth is so much more important. It’s time to ante up. Better yet, let’s go “all in” and bet on our inherent value with unwavering confidence and courage.

“True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own” – Brene Brown

Pop Quiz: How do you know if you have high self-worth? (Vanbuskirk, 2023)

• 1. You express your opinions, regardless of what others think.
• 2. You’re confident in your abilities.
• 3. You don’t let challenges hold you back.
• 4. You treat yourself with respect and don’t put yourself down.
• 5. You don’t let a setback change how you feel about yourself.
• 6. You set clear boundaries and don’t allow people to overstep them.
• 7. You trust yourself to navigate life and make good decisions.

References:

Lima, J. K. (2024). Worthy: How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life. Hay House, Inc.

RefreshMH. (2016, February 24). The Story of Two Wolves – Urban balance. Urban Balance. https://www.urbanbalance.com/the-story-of-two-wolves/

Brene Brown advice – How to be yourself. (2014, July 21). Oprah.com. https://www.oprah.com/spirit/brene-brown-advice-how-to-be-yourself/all

Jones, S. (2023, April 19). How Strengths Fuel Your Confidence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/real-women/202304/how-strengths-fuel-your-confidence

Kopp, C. (2024, March 13). 10 signs you have a strong sense of self-worth. Hack Spirit. https://hackspirit.com/signs-you-have-a-strong-sense-of-self-worth/

Vanbuskirk, S. (2023b, February 21). Why It’s Important to Have High Self-Esteem. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-it-s-important-to-have-high-self-esteem-5094127