Fear, Failure, and Other Painful “F” Words

“We shift ourselves not in sweeping pivots, but in movements so tiny that they are hardly perceptible, even in our view. Years can pass before we finally discover that, after handing over our power piece by small piece, we no longer even look like ourselves” – Alicia Keys

We all experience obstacles in life. It’s part of being human. The trick is to figure out how to navigate difficult circumstances and emotions without losing ourselves or jeopardizing our well-being.

So, I thought I’d drop a few “F” bombs, the kind that can get in my way, make me feel vulnerable and take me off track. Maybe you can relate.

Fear holds us back. It can be real, or in many cases, it’s derived from our own subjective view of reality. It can keep us stuck in unproductive patterns that hinder us from accomplishing our goals. We can overcome our fears by bravely naming them (even if they’re embarrassing), asking where they originated, and finding a safe space to test our limiting beliefs (Zucker, 2022). For me, it manifests in the pressure to perform. Through coaching, I’ve learned that there were times growing up when my key accomplishments were never acknowledged or celebrated. I think I still face this today, the fear of not being seen, heard, or recognized for my contributions. And…it gets in the way.

Failure isn’t a bad thing. No one is perfect, we all fall short of expectations from time to time. What matters most is how we recover, learn, and leverage our experiences to achieve better outcomes. We’ve all had our share of failures, so I understand this one — I hope you do too. Being resilient and recognizing that we can’t change the past is a critical perspective we all need. We can’t hit rewind, but we can be compassionate, self-reflect and embrace failure as a valuable lesson for transforming setbacks into opportunities. As we fail forward, mastering the shift from self-awareness to self-management plays a pivotal role, reminding us of the power we hold in navigating challenges and growth.

“We need to accept that we won’t always make the right decisions, that we’ll screw up royally sometimes – understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success” – Arianna Huffington

Friction helps drive better, more informed decisions. Artificial harmony is the real enemy. None of us win when we avoid conflict and agree on matters even when we don’t believe they’re the best decision. On one hand, there should be zero tolerance for bullying and on the other, we need to encourage healthy debate. According to Adam Grant (2021), one way to do this is to think like a scientist. It allows us to present a balanced case and eliminate bias when discussing hot topics. By embracing the possibility of being wrong, it increases humility and curiosity to discover new information. I’m a big fan of considering my initial thoughts or ideas as a ‘rough draft’ and then being open to others weighing in to make it better. None of us have all the answers, in scientist-mode, we can test our theories and be eager to uncover new ways of thinking.

Fairness is an illusion. Life’s not fair, we all know it and we need to deal with it. That may sound harsh, but even for someone like me, who sees fairness as a core value, I need to modify how I react when experiencing inequities. Sometimes, as leaders, we’re obligated to make tough choices, whether they seem fair or not and personally, we have a choice in how we respond to decisions outside of our control. When challenges arise, we can complain about life being unfair or we can choose a different path, one that accepts reality and positively contributes to the outcome (Myatt, 2011). Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to stand up for what we believe in, but how we do that matters, and we may not always end up on the winning side.

“Life is not fair, it never was, it isn’t now, and it won’t ever be. Do not fall into the trap, the entitlement trap, of feeling like you’re a victim, you are not” – Matthew McConaughey

Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn are all stress responses designed to protect us from perceived threats. When taken to the extreme these responses can wear on us, but when leveraged appropriately, they can help us overcome tough situations. A healthy fight response can help us stand up for ourselves, taking flight can ensure we disengage when needed, freezing slows us down to reliably assess and when you feel yourself fawning, it’s a good reminder not to over-apologize or explain (mindbodygreen, 2023). The mind is a powerful thing, and our amygdala fires quicker than our logical prefrontal cortex. The better we understand this nuance, the better we can self-manage when faced with personal or workplace hazards.

Now, it would be futile for me to call out every painful “F” word, I know there are many. What we all need is the fortitude to keep going. It’s not easy, it takes effort to recognize the stressors that chip away at us and cause us to shift who we are and how we show up.

In the end, we need the freedom to be our true selves, strive to be better every day and be there for each other in the vulnerable moments that shape the people we become.  

References:

Zucker, R. (2022, August 23). Facing the fears that hold you back at work. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2022/08/facing-the-fears-that-hold-you-back-at-work

Grant, A. (2021). Think again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know. Random House.

Myatt, M. (2011, December 12). Life isn’t fair – deal with it. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2011/12/12/life-isnt-fair-deal-with-it/?sh=5c0d7d2e543f

mindbodygreen. (2023, August 8). 4 Ways People May Be Responding To Trauma Without Even Realizing It. Mindbodygreen. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/fight-flight-freeze-fawn-trauma-responses